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I remember a time when I didn't realize how angry I was. Or that I had so much of it stored up in my body. I had learned to rationalize it, allowing my boundaries to be crossed because I felt I understood the tough circumstances that created behavior in others. Mostly my loved ones.
I allowed myself to feel other emotions. Sadness, emotional abandonment, occasionally sorry for myself, hurt that "it" was happening, but never angry. No one could change the circumstances I grew up in, not one person was solely responsible. And as a young adult, I was responsible for myself and had to get on with life. I understood that much. And I did, I got on with it.
I kept quiet. Passive to my emotions. I didn't seem to feel them in the same way, so it didn't feel hard. I held space for others to vent or release or feel their emotions. I kept my voice so quiet, burying my truth about how I was actually feeling behind this unconscious pattern, that I didn't even know how affected I was myself. Sometimes emotions would release in drama states. But looking back I didn't know what my truth actually was - I had detached from it. Repressed it. I cultivated friendships and relationships repeating the same pattern. I made career choices based on the same. That is what I had learned to do in my life. I even became a coach, an NLP Master, learned all kinds of tools that helped me start the journey of unpacking, but it didn't quite get to the core. And it built up.
I didn't know how much at first.
It was my body that let me know. As it always had in the past. Showing me where I was storing my truth, my fears, my sadness, and bottling things up. I had always been able to trust my body and work through what it was communicating to me. This time was no different. This time I learned it was about my anger. More specifically, my unexpressed anger. I had a year long bladder infection, which started a mission and journey on understanding what was behind this symptom.
I remember cycling home after my first therapy session, crying the whole way. In the weeks before I 'knew' I was angry. Feeling exhausted, and highly triggered. Who was this dude who made me feel worse than when I went in. I had started seeing him in my search to heal, because I knew I had boundary issues, that I was a highly sensitive person and wanted support on creating coping mechanisms to deal with the world. He triggered me to my core in the first of 5 sessions I would have with him. I wrote him the longest, angriest email after that first time.
And then I realized. He did it. He unlocked my anger. He had triggered an anger inside of me that made me feel scared. I could feel it, I was angry, sooooo angry. It was a strange mix of feeling relieved, excited, full anticipation, sadness for not knowing this part of me, and powerful anger.
I knew that he helped start the journey, it shone light to a new part of my self awareness and exploration. But I needed deeper integration if I were to embrace, embody and release it from the body as well.
I was hurting myself by not creating space to set boundaries. I wasn't living authentic to myself. That I could reproduce a 'story' on demand. Words flowed out of me like a newscaster, detached and so separate from my body or emotional being. I understood that it was me choosing it, and I had the power to change it. By saying yes to me, choosing my own life with clarity. Even with all the work I had done prior to that I was still living in a mist, allowing myself to be molded by the surroundings I was attracting by not living from my center.
It was one of those moments that I so cherish in life, when a switch of awareness is felt inside. Like a reset. The kind that brings even more courage and clarity. I knew I would start taking care of myself in a new way. It took me to a new playground of self-discovery. A higher level of myself and love. A new part of my life's journey on how to learn to move this energy, find flow, and continually unpeel the layers.
It was scary, and raw, and hard.
I had to face myself, my shadows. I went so deep into my own pain. And I realized that when I allowed myself to feel what was there, it shifted, creating space for lightness and stillness within me. And an inner intuitive connection so powerful that it makes me grateful everyday for every step in my life that brought me here - to the woman that I am now.
That journey gave me the tools that I want to share with you in my Get it Out! Healing Anger & Powerful Emotion Online Experience. Created to support you in starting this self-discovery journey of opening up to a healthier relationship with your emotions and fears.
This course will help you:
Unlock your authentic truth
Understand what you repress and your coping patterns of survival
Build a Mind - Body - Soul unpacking toolkit
Support a healthy release of the emotional energy you experience
Feel and set boundaries
Understand what your body is telling you
Slow down to feel what is happening inside of you
Make choices from your core essence, the space where you feel like You
You can find out more details here - I can't wait to share this with you.
If you want to check out me reading this blog and elaborating on it, watch or listen to this podcast:
Listen here:
See you soon.
One love,
Juel
Juel helps women and non-binary queens re-connect with their inner source of power to create authentic and passionate lives. Creating transformational journeys back to essence.