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My old pattern was a need to ‘save the world’ in a sense. Feeling responsible about what I could see, observe and sense into other people’s emotional worlds. The people I called friends, the acquaintances, colleagues, at times people I just connected with. I was so externalized that I could feel their pain, almost experience their struggles with deep understanding. Their emotional energy was dancing out in slow motion before my eyes. I knew I was sensitive and could hold a space beyond my own needs at times, to take care of others.
A need that was driven by my own deep fear of not feeling safe. Knowing what it was to not feel safe and not wanting anyone else to feel that way. I knew what it was.
As if I actually felt I had to power to relieve them somehow, when in fact it was my own avoidance of healing my own internal safety and abandonment fears. A vicious cycle of externalizing by taking care of others, doing my best to help them feel safe and move through pain. Being super present with them despite my own needs and thus, not allowing myself to surrender to my own process.
Avoiding my own healing. Denying my needs. Ignoring my emotions. My responsibility to myself.
A dance of my unbalanced masculine and feminine, not knowing how to create my own safety and freedom. That caused a silent internal festering of stagnant emotions to grow inside of me. Emotions that I blocked because I could understand people, and respected their personal healing journeys. And I was OK, right?!
At times, I would project it out or victimize myself, wondering why I was so alone of this journey. Why couldn’t, wouldn’t anyone else do for me, what I could do for others?
I was unaware of it at the time. Completely oblivious to this pattern that would indirectly make me feel lonely and alone. Because I felt no one else would hold a space so secure for me to let go, to truly feel what I was holding inside of me, to be me, to release.
My beliefs at the time made me feel that I was being selfish beyond measure to focus all of that energy to take care of myself and understand my true needs. It almost felt as though I was ignoring the pain of the world.
And at the core of it was a fear of going into my emotional world.
It took a journey to create my own safety and freedom. Honouring, protecting, loving myself and my energy. Acknowledging myself, learning to feel and voice my No, and set clear boundaries. Looking back, I hold that version of myself with so much love and compassion, it was part of the journey that made me who I am today. I learned to take one step at a time to walk through my own fears and understand my emotional So world. It was a ferocious act of self-love.
So I want to invite you to stop for a moment, and as you read the following questions, feel the what you experience in your body. Check for contractions, resistance, sensations, a shift in breathing, words that pop up, emotions. See if you can trust the initial things that pop up, even if it doesn’t make sense.
Take a few breaths to relax yourself with your eyes closed before you begin. And again, between each question.
What fears stop you from facing your emotional world?
Where do you feel duality in your life – where your head and heart don’t agree?
Are there parts of your life that you put energy into, expecting to feel satisfied, and end up feeling drained/disappointed?
What areas of you life do you not feel safe to be yourself, to voice yourself authentically?
What are your deeply ingrained patterns that keep you from healing?
Write down what came up for you. And hit reply and let me know how you experienced this. I'd love to hear from you.
If you love these types of practices, check out my Get it Out! program. It's an online experience dedicated to healthy emotional release to come back to your essence. The doors are open, your are so welcome.
See you soon.
One love,
Juel
Juel helps women and non-binary queens re-connect with their inner source of power to create authentic and passionate lives. Creating transformational journeys back to essence.